he whispered in my ear that he would be upstairs and i should come up. i stayed downstairs. he came back down and repeated to whisper in my ear. this happened about 5 times until he passed out.
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
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