life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
Is it 'vaginas' or 'vaginae?'. Either way there were a shit ton of them.
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
I feel like with a dick like that he could of done more with it
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize
