I had a dream last night where you were a transsexual in a low cut blue dress with lovely long brown hair. You were very pretty. I hope you are well.
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
Dude, you're only mentioning the Bro Code so I can't get any
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
I mean...he danced with his dick still inside of me. What more could a girl ask for?
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
Randomize
