remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
Randomize
