I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
Also, upon examining the photos, I have concluded that you were the sloppiest drunk girl of the night. And that's saying something considering Hurricane Jessica was in town.
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
You ruined the universe
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
Randomize
