i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
I dont know if he should be happy or mad about it but he's too big for a blow job.
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
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