Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
so i was just informed that i sang that song "pop that pussy ayyy pop that pussy" at the halloween party saturday. iembarrassing.
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
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