Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
we started the countdown to drunken sledding this weekend.
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
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