It smells like weed.
We are in Boulder, Everything smells like weed.
and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
Randomize
