Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
Not sure if it is a new high or new low, but i left a basket on the porch of the sorority I woke up at. It had a description of the Minnie Mouse I woke up next to, and Plan B.
I need a burrito and a hug.
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize
