so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
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