I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
And think got sick again from going outside naked. Word to all females...don't try the naked trench coat thing.
does doing it on an automatic sink count as shower sex?
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
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