Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
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