I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
Socially acceptable to sleep in a booth in the library? Its not finals but I dunno if I can make it back to south. Too drunk.
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
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