Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
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Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
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