Your dad touched me again.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
update: ifinallt managed t5o be in a. Horizontal position without throwing up... the snmall victories.
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
Randomize
