did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
Randomize
