The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
I coulnt tell if he was cumming or if I was throwing up
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
we went to go get waffles and then i sucked his dick in a parking lot. average tuesday.
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
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