True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
No jewlry, no bra, and no pen. I couldnt be more prepared for a friday morning class.
My last google search was 'bulk asian wives' I don't know either
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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