Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
too bad we didn't bet. my 38-1 tears would have made great lubrication for a blow job.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
I gave in, made out with her, and long story short, I'm giving hetero another try.
Randomize
