I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
ill give you a picture of me naked for $5. im desperate.
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
first thing my tuition money buys is a strap on
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
Randomize
