She had a maple leaf tattoo behind her ear and told me she liked my "playoff beard".
Only in Canada would your laziness be applied to hockey and rewarded.
I wish I could just thrust my cock straight into her new relationship.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
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