Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
was it morally wrong to have used his girlfriends makeup after i fucked him?
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
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