She'll never know what hit her
I dunno. Girls tend to recognize ball-to-chin contact.
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
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