1. Mark my dj buddy and I spent $1000 on bottles last night
2. We were casually offered narcotics while walking down the street
3. I will still be awake when you start school tmw, cause there's no last call
So if any tells you miami is the same as the rest of america, there are just lying to you
fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
I may have discovered that porn hub is on my top visited sites during class this morning.
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
I found out he hated a girl that I hate so I fucked him. My reasons for fucking guys are getting bad.
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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