I murdered the dance floor call the cops
I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
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