i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
so for future reference,at what point did you feel like a line had been crossed?
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
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