i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
The girl here has a popped collar. Can I slap her?
Yes. For all mankind please do.
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
Randomize
