Yea well when i pee it makes steam.
i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
There were gay boys and a jukebox. It was like god wanted me to.
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
Randomize
