Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
Well, you're 18 and dating a 28 year old. Who has a wife. Who isn't you. I would guess that's why your mom frowns upon the relationship.
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
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