Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
At what point should i just give my brother a break and stop sleeping with his friends?
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize
