On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
He also complimented my butt. High praise coming from a boob guy.
I'm glad there seems to be a general consensus regarding your ass
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
Randomize
