Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
Dude she let me cum on her face
You have the wrong number I'm the she who let you cum on her face unless some other girl has let you since this morning
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
Randomize
