It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
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Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
Definitely Got caught hugging a strangers tree last night with 5 others.
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
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Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
I might have hooked up with a 2003 alumni last night in the basement
Dude you were ten when he graduated
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"