I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
These 19 Teachers Had Very Inappropriate Interactions With Students
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
Women Confess 25 Instant Deal-Breakers On A Man’s Dating Profile
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
I've finally done it, I've downloaded some messenger lesbians like to use because some girl wanted to flirt.
Congrats, you're all grown up now.
I FEEL LIKE A GAY BUTTERFLY
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
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