You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
Guy Shares All The ‘New Discoveries’ He’s Made Since Moving In With His Girlfriend And It’s Hilariously Relatable
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
Sup man, did you have a 3way this month if so it would be 3 for 3 for the house
Guy Accidentally Starts A Group Chat With All The Girls He’s Talking To And Gets Absolutely Roasted
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Randomize
