Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
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