I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
Randomize
