I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
Honestly you'd think more guys would be happy to date a cute female dealer, but apparently something about safety or whatever
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
