ahhh, you guys look like a cute little family in the cop car!
I think i really like him...he was super cuddly and kept me company.
stop. you already have a dog
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
If we go out with the 22/23 year olds we should make t a double date. I don't want to endure the judging looks of the public as I rob the cradle alone.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
Randomize
