On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
Also we saw a clown getting arrested. Rochester is weird.
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
I can feel the shame as I walk down your hallway.. good night
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
Randomize
