I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
I don't think boys are aware how difficult it is to take a picture of your own ass.
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
Randomize
