I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
tequila makes me forget i have legs
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
She is definitely tripolar. Like bipolar but better/worse.
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
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