It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
Jason Williams (yeah the ex-nets center...) drunkenly told me that, while drinking, I should take an ambien and a cialis before i go home...that will "give me a 25 minute window to have sex and then goto sleep before the bitch starts bothering me"....
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
Randomize
