I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
I got home and laid by the toilet and then alexa laid in the bathtub and sang the preamble while kayla held my hair
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
It got weird I got a phone call while looking at porn and the video started playing while on the phone full on porn audio.
you were acting out moves from the wwe, in a dress. then you sceamed "you can't see me" and ran out of the apt.
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
Randomize
