She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
we just talked about our morning and what we were doing for the day and he handed me the addies and i took $50 out of my bra in front of a bunch of frat guys. so the mornings going really well
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
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