but it happened after you broke up with me and before we made up.
Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
she said it was ok for her to take her top off in the hot tub but she didn't take off her bottoms because that would be slutty
Someone will be leaving this trip either pregnant or devastated.
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
Just resonded to a booty call with "how much effort is required on my part?" I think I've finally reached the point of smoking too much pot
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Randomize
