it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
She recited Pi throughout ever orgasm she had....she said it was a game she likes to play...how far she gets is how she judges her lovers...I am oddly turned on by this...
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
Randomize
