You got so drunk you kept singing the Sailor Moon theme song and kept making everyone call you Sailor Venus.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
