She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
She made me keep my boots on and say "you're welcome darlin" after every orgasm......so yes it was an awesome night.
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
Randomize
