All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
Do you think Brian would let me smoke while we fuck? I'm not sure ill survive exams without a constant nicotine intake
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
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