It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
Like when I see him I look straight through his appearance and just envision a big walking penis.
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
Randomize
