Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"