first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
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