i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
Why is your signature on my underwear?
Correct me if I'm wrong here... but did we serenade each others breasts to "winds of change" last night?
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
If I don’t find a quality dick soon I’m going to beg the neighbor for another threesome with her and her husband. It’s like Covid killed all the quality penis Vegas normally has
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