So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
it went kinda like vodka, childhood memories, screaming/cursing, fist fight, tears, broken shit, passing out. in that order. tis the season.
better to have posed nude and lost than to never have posed nude at all...thats what i always say
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
At some point we were all eating banana flavored rolling papers.
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Randomize
