if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
Well, emily woke up in Hoboken, cati woke up in jersey city, and i woke up in brooklyn....and our hotel room we rented in the city remained empty. Best birthday yet.
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
im not an educated person. i just do things. and it works out in my favor
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
I asked you why you bought a sword and you then replied with the greek alphabet and then tried to assure me that samurais are apart of greek life.
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