I have demons in me.
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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