So im pretty sure the object of my emotional onterest is tired of playing with me....
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
I lost the back to your old name tag last night in a girls shirt. It got me a view of some titties though, I guess in some way you're still doing your brotherly deeds
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
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