did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
it's gonna be a chat room kind of night
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
Ed's in which sucks about a thousand cocks... But thats 1800 less than working with Alex so it's gonna be a good day
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
Randomize
