I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
just saw my sister at the strip club... dont think she's "taking a night class over the summer"
zippers are such a cool invention
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
Randomize
