Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
I have a music final in an hour so I put all the classical songs we need to know in a shower power hour playlist, beer included.
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
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